So, I totally forgot to post last month (June) and now that it’s august I might as well write something for both June AND July. This will probably jump around a lot, so bear with me. 

Essentially nothing happened during the month of June. Well, nothing I wanted to have happen anyway. I had a lot of blood tests done because my endocrinologist wants to get a jump on trying to figure out why I’m not pregnant yet. I had multiple tests done to see if I have Cushings Disease, and they all came back negative. I had a decent panel of hormones done and my Prolactin level was high, so had to have that redone as well. I told my mom about the hormone results and naturally she brought them to HER endocrinologist, who seems to think I need to have my pituitary gland looked at. I haven’t brought that up with my endo yet. I do need to call that office to make a “follow up” appointment for December anyway.

July happened. It got hot. And humid. And so gross outside I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t go to the beach (I hate going to the beach in the summer anyways…) I haven’t gone anywhere (no money). One of my good friends came back from Germany, and I haven’t seen her in almost a year, so it was good to see her again. I thought I was pregnant for 5 days this month. I my period was late…almost a week late. And then I started spotting and having cramps and wondered if it was implantation bleeding. Then it got heavier, so I stocked up on pads and tampons and waited for my weekend to be totally ruined. My period typically runs its course over 4-5 days. This time, it started on a Friday and was DONE by Sunday. It’s weird. I took 4 cheap pregnancy tests and 1 VERY expensive pregnancy test during the week my period was late and they all came back negative. I am concerned my cycle will be all messed up now and trying to figure out my ovulation time will be a pain in the you know where. 

August is the “last” month for us to try before I can talk to my specialist about going to the infertility clinic here. August is also like the PRIME month I would like to get pregnant because then we have a may baby and no summer pregnancy for me.

We're going to a baby shower this weekend so I'm going to try to go in with all the positive intentions I can muster in hopes that some baby juju will rub off on me/us this month. Also, having twins, while doubly terrifying and puts me at even higher risk AND would mean more immediate work for us, has now become an acceptable and actually hoped for outcome for me. Travis wants twins. I never wanted to have my own kids til like a year and a half ago. Now I'm mentally pushing for twins. Clearly something has changed in my mental stability lol 

No Change, Kinda Not Surprised

Well, no new news here. Kinda not surprised this month, since last month was kinda wonky, "schedule" wise. Nothing bad happened, just a lot going on travel wise and we were hosting guests at our house and we just didn't really work at it much.

I did want to share another blog this month though. A friend of mine posted this on her facebook wall and I was intrigued since it is written from the man's perspective. Reading it, I didn't get any "warm fuzzies", but it was an enlightening view into infertility that you typically don't see very often. Most times, you're hearing about it from the woman's point of view. Well, guys and gals, here it is from the man's perspective.

http://www.littlethings.com/dan-leah-pregnancy-journey/

I see my endocrinologist in a little more than 2 weeks, so I'll need to be getting a HUUUUGE panel of labs done, with blood work and urine tests and all sorts of fun things next week. I am really not looking forward to the 3 or 4 vials of blood they will be taking out of my body. Hopefully the phlebotomist working in the lab will be nice and left me use the butterfly needle instead of the giant 12 gauge they usually try to insist I use.

Got Busy in Vegas......but not the way you think.

Wow, it’s the end of April already and I almost forgot about my monthly post. I’ve had a super busy month, with lots of traveling and general “stuff” going on. In the middle of April, I hopped on a plane and flew to Las Vegas to attend the Arbonne GTC (Global Training Conference) with my small team of 5 people and 16,000 other Independent Consultants. It was an awesome weekend, I learned so much and got some great ideas. We had new products launch and heard some great stories. I was totally wiped out by the time we were due to fly home though…not only because it’s Vegas and we were on the go for the entire 3 days we were there, but the change in time zones totally messed up my body’s schedule and diabetes needs. I went low often, got little sleep due to lows, and when I wasn’t low, I was high. I was only in Vegas for 3 days, which is apparently juuuuuust long enough for the time change to completely mess up my body, but not be enough time to get used to the time change before heading home. The flights weren’t bad, since they were both night-time/red eyes, but sleeping on a plane is about as conducive as sleeping on a train with no sleeper car…impossible. I got back from Vegas and promptly DIED on the couch because I was so exhausted. While I was in Vegas, I saw lots of new moms, as well as ladies who were quite pregnant and I honestly don’t know how they did it.

Speaking of pregnant ladies… I am not in that club again this month. I am kind of not surprised… I have a feeling my ovulation schedule is totally off from what the three apps I use think it is (anytime between the 4^th and 12^th of the month, depending on what app I look at). When I was sitting in a 3-hour training in Vegas on the 16^th, I distinctly felt that “ovulation pain” and I kind of knew well, that’s that. By the time I got home to my husband, it was well past the 24-hour “expiration date” of the supposed egg, and I was way too tired to do ANYTHING, much less try to make a baby.  This past Friday, my husband asked me when I was due to get my period and I told him anytime within the next 5 days (again, due to my apps and my usual schedule), and sure enough, that night I woke up in the middle of the night with the cramps and pain.

My parents are coming this weekend and I think I need to have a chat with my mom. I’m hoping my husband will follow through with his plan to take my dad fishing at the pier, so mom and I can have some quality time to talk about making babies. I have no idea if I have blocked tubes, if I have any hereditary fertilization issues to deal with or anything. I do know that my mom had her “tubes blown” sometime before I was born, but I don’t know why. It’s entirely possible I have blocked tubes OR PCOS. My husband is having his “swimmer test” today actually, so hopefully that will have a positive outcome for him, because I know he is worried about his own fertility.

Well, on to the next month I suppose. The fact that I am not pregnant this month doesn’t sting as much as it did last month. Maybe I’m getting used to the disappointment or feeling of failure that my body can’t do this one thing. I mean, I already can’t make my own insulin….which is funny since it’s a growth hormone. I’ve just got to get back into the mindset that this is God’s plan for me…whatever it is. 

It's not Cushing's, I'm just fat.

Well, this month has been a busy one. The first weekend of March, our roommates moved out and headed down to their own home in Georgia. They’re also Navy, so moving frequently and losing good friends isn’t something new to either of us, but I don’t think we realized how much we would miss them after they left. We managed to find a new roommate shortly after they left, but we’d like our old ones back please and thank you.

Since March 1, I have been to 5 job interviews and 1 “shadowing interview”, none of which have panned out (yet). I still have a job, but getting a job with more stability and work would be nice. Not having to do more 1099s every year would be nice too.

I finally saw my endocrinologist after having some massive snafus with the scheduling at the diabetes clinic. I last saw my endo in March of 2015. Three months after I saw him, I began seeing the OB-GYN specialist and I saw her 4 times in a matter of 3 months (I talked about that in my last post). I had an appointment scheduled to see my endo again in October, but since it was the same week that I was doing a lot of traveling and going to my best friend’s wedding, I had to reschedule. My rescheduled appointment was for President’s Day, February 15^th, not ideal, but it was the earliest I could get. We got a “snow storm” which accumulated about 2 inches of slush, so naturally, the clinic was closed. I didn’t get a call notifying me of the closure until I had already gotten into the parking lot of the clinic. Why you call a patient 10 minutes before their appointment to let them know their appointment had been canceled is beyond me. I got a call from the clinic to reschedule my appointment later that afternoon and was rescheduled for April 5^th. Not pleased about the long wait, but it is what it is, so I took it. March 11^th, I got an email from the clinic’s appointment app that my appointment on April 5^th was canceled. No phone call to let me know, no “we’ll call you to reschedule”, nothing. I was mad. I called the clinic and explained what happened. They told me I could get a new appointment in June. Unacceptable. I haven’t seen my endocrinologist since March of 2015 and I needed to see him like yesterday. I needed blood drawn for labs, something I normally have done 3 or 4 times a year. I needed to know what my A1c, cholesterol, thyroid and Vit D levels were. I asked to be put on the cancellation list and the woman on the phone asked if I wanted to be put on the short-notice cancellation list for people who live close to the clinic. I said yes, do that. Hung up phone with an appointment scheduled for June. Wrote and sent a scathing email to my diabetes nurse and pump support group coordinator, as she is sort of the liaison between patients and the clinic. About 5 minutes after I hit “send”, I get an email from the appointment app that I have an appointment on Monday, March 14^th at 11:40 AM to see my endocrinologist. Finally glad to have an appointment in the month of March, I send another email to the nurse, apologizing for my hostility in the last email and ending this one with an equal amount of hostility about why the damn appointment people couldn’t just call me about the new appointment. Talk about frustrating.

Anywho, I finally got to see my endocrinologist. After discussing my A1c of 6.8, which was a TOTAL surprise, but a good one, he mentioned he would like to take my blood pressure again. It was high when I got my vitals taken by the MA (150/84), so he wanted to see if that was just a random thing or if my blood pressure was now, actually high. He took my blood pressure and it had come down, minimally. He asked me if I had stretch marks on my abdomen or legs. He asked if I had a “hump” between my shoulders. Then he told me he was concerned about my rapid weight gain (upon weigh-in before seeing him, my weight was at an all-time high of 220 pounds. This time last year, I weighed 204. The last time I weighed under 180 was in 2012. Yeah, those are painful and shameful number to put out there, so I hope y’all appreciate this), my high blood pressure and the fact that I have Type 1. All of those things put together made him think I may have Cushing ’s disease. He told me I would need to do a 24-hour free urine test to see what my cortisol levels are. I chuckled when he told me he was concerned I might have Cushing’s because being a life-long horse person, I know exactly what Cushing’s is…..in horses. I know what it does to them, I know what the symptoms are, I know what the treatment options can be. But people? Sure I’d heard of it, but I didn’t know anyone with it, nor what the treatment was. It would just be my luck to have the additional auto immune disease that horses also get.

Little sidebar tid bit…horses cannot get diabetes, contrary to what some may have thought. Horses however, CAN end up with Insulin Resistance, a metabolic disorder characterized by a loss of insulin sensitivity at the cellular level. Google “Insulin Resistance in horses” (like I just did) and the first few pages to pop up in that search include information on Equine Cushing’s, Insulin Resistance, Equine Metabolic Syndrome, etc. Is it coincidence that I have been doing horsey things for longer than I’ve had diabetes and yet, here I am, living with potentially one or two auto immune diseases that horses also (sort of) get?

Anyway, back to the original point. Cushing’s disease is a condition in which the pituitary gland releases too much adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). The pituitary gland is an organ of the endocrine system, much like the pancreas. ACTH stimulates production and release of cortisol, a stress hormone. Too much ACTH causes the adrenal glands to make too much cortisol. Cortisol controls the body's use of carbohydrates, fats, and proteins and also helps reduce the immune system's response to swelling (inflammation). Too much cortisol and you end up with fatty deposits, moon face, acne or skin infections, bone pain or tenderness, weak muscles, mental changes, fatigue, headache and more. It’s a bowl full of fun. Typically, surgery is the main treatment, especially if there is a tumor pressing on the pituitary gland.  If I wasn’t stressed about life in general before, I sure as shit was now!

Fast forward to the end of last week, Saturday I think it was. I woke up to an email from the clinic with the results from my urine test. My cortisol range is “normal”. So, apparently, I just have “exogenous obesity”. Excellent -_-. 

Friday, while I was at work I had a pretty uneventful day, well, work related. Shortly after lunch, I starting getting this acute, stabbing pain in my stomach, right where my lungs/rib cage meet up with my stomach. If I sat or bent over in a particular way, the pain would get worse, but it wasn’t unbearable. I WebMD’d the symptom (since I had no other symptoms) and of course I thought I had pancreatitis. WebMD is the worst thing ever. I decided to just wait it out, see if the symptom would go away on its own. I called my mom, who’s a nurse, to ask her advice and see if she thought I should go to the ER. Since she was visiting my brother in New Hampshire, she never got my texts. Hubby and I went out to a movie and all was fine for the most part. On our way out of the theater, I bent over to pick something up off the floor and the stabbing pain came back and I almost fell over it hurt so bad. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so this was alarming. Breathing hurt, deep breaths were almost impossible. When we got home, I took an Aleve and some Pepto and went to bed, hoping it was just gas. Woke up Saturday and immediately felt OK and thought to myself, ok, maybe it WAS just gas. Then I yawned. Nope. Stabbing pain is still in same spot, not as painful, but definitely still there. Husband asked me if I thought I should go to the ER. I said I’d rather wait til I got in touch with my mom. I texted my brother to ask mom to call me. When she finally did, I explained my symptoms and she was concerned enough to tell me to go to the ER since random stomach pain with no other symptoms is odd, but concerning. Maybe they’d take some scans or blood work. Husband and I went to the ER and it was eerily quiet. But, I suppose a navy hospital on a weekend afternoon around lunch time wouldn’t be super busy anyway. Got checked in to the ER, waited about 5 minutes before a corpsman came out to bring me to a room. The first nurse came in shortly thereafter to take my blood pressure, temp and pulse. She asked for my symptoms and a couple other questions. She asked when I had my last menstrual cycle. I told her that I had just started my cycle that morning. Nurse leaves and another nurse comes in about 10 minutes later to take vitals again since my blood pressure was high. Blood pressure a little more normal now, so nurse leaves and sends doctor in. Doc asks about symptoms and does a very quick exam, palpating my abdomen to see if anything was inflamed, which it wasn’t. No blood work done, no xrays, no peeing in a cup. Doc told me there wasn’t much else to do but wait it out. Since I had no other symptoms (no aches, no temp, nothing out of the ordinary), they didn’t see it necessary to do any tests. Told me if pain persisted or got worse to come back and to follow up with my PCP and endo. Doc left to get my release paperwork and was gone for about 10, 15 minutes. In that time frame, I managed to vomit in the sink in the exam room because my cramps from my period were so bad. I wasn’t nauseous, but the pain was just THAT bad that it made me vomit. This is nothing new to me. I’d been dealing with cramps this bad since I was in high school. Some months aren’t that bad, while others are almost debilitating. I wish there was some sort of pattern and I also wish I had started tracking my pain specifics earlier than I did (I started tracking pain specifics like location, where on pain scale, etc last year). My husband was a little scared that I just randomly puked with no notice, but that’s how it is with me. It just…..happens. I promised him I was fine and that it was due to my cramps. We left the hospital and I spent the remainder of the day on the couch trying not to die.

At the end of February, I had purchased some inexpensive ovulation tests off amazon on the recommendation of a friend and had high hopes for them helping us make a baby this month. Self doubt runs rampant with me, so of course I felt like I messed up the tests or did them wrong or that something is generally wrong with me when only one line (the control) would show up, or the control line would show up and a second line would just barely be there. I also need to be consistent with these tests because my ovulation "schedule" may not be the typical text book 14 days after the last day of your menstrual cycle. For all I know, I could ovulate immediately AFTER my period is over. or right before i get it. I am wondering if I have PCOS, which will make it hard, if not impossible to get pregnant, and with my weight being what it is, it wouldn't surprise me if that's whats wrong with me. 

So, long story short, no December baby for us, at least not this year. In a way, we dodged a bullet that we had previously talked about. Both hubby’s and my birthday are in December, his 7 days from Christmas and mine is 6 days before his. We feared having a baby in December would financially stress us out to the max, so there was a time where we even discussed not trying to make a baby during the month of March. When I got my period in February, I asked him if he wanted to try anyway and he said yes, so we did. We were both sure that because we didn’t want a December baby, that it would just happen anyway, but it didn’t.

August is still 5 long months away and I know plenty can happen in that time, but I still wish I could just talk to my doc about getting started with fertility testing sooner. I also need to bring it up with my mom. Apparently she had her “tubes blown” at some point before I was born (I think), as she brought it up when I was talking to her on the phone after my ER visit. I don’t know why I have such an issue about talking to my mom about fertility, but we’ve never talked about it. I guess I wanted a baby announcement to be a complete and total surprise to my parents and by asking my mom about her fertility, that just kinda ruins the surprise that we’re even trying. Since my husband and I have been married for 5 years now, I’m sure many in our family think we have just decided to not have kids. Not many have asked me (or him that I know of) when we plan to have a baby, so maybe they’re putting two and two together. Who knows. All I know is that I can’t look at my friend’s baby pictures, baby shows, science shows about babies or even pictures of people I don’t even know having babies because they all make me cry. I don’t even know where the tears come from, they just appear and I have a hard time explaining them to my husband. I know my problems are a drop in the bucket compared to some, but it’s still really frustrating to try to get something done for 8 months and have nothing to show for it.  

Welcome Back to the Blog.

So, I’ve been thinking about writing about this for a really long time. Well, not really long, maybe for like 2 or 3 months. I’ve been afraid to write or even let my closest friends and family know because I didn’t want that stress, pressure and expectation to be hovering over my head, one more thing I would need to worry about, on top of my type 1 diabetes, grad school, my job and being a military wife. Then, a few days ago, I read this post that had been “liked” by a few friends of mine on facebook. I opened it, not really knowing what to expect, but after I finished reading it, I decided to start this blog. This is my journey and, at times, it is incredibly depressing and hard to write about. I am terrified to publish this, honestly. I have no idea how people are going to react to it, I am terrified of being judged because of it. I am scared of what will happen after I push "Publish". I am afraid that people will be mad at me, or upset or confused about why I'm sharing this part of my life. But, like the article linked above mentions.... I need to stop worrying about what other people think. The only way I can get support through this is by letting someone know and honestly, this is the easiest way I can think to do it. Hello internets, I hope you have your helmet with a chin strap on and about 20 minutes to read this cuz I'm here to talk about pregnancy.

...onward....


Let me start with the back story. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes 20 years ago, in 1995. This year, on November 28, my diabetes will officially be old enough to purchase and consume alcohol, 21 years. For most of those years, the last 18 or so actually, I full out refused to have children (in the future) for fear of passing my type 1 on to them, or God forbid, they end up being born with one of the potential myriad birth defects that type 1 moms can give to their kids. For a long time, kids weren’t even on my radar. It wasn’t until I was a sophomore in college that children would even enter my mind, and since I was in college, that was an automatic nope. I told my boyfriend at the time (my now husband) that I never wanted to have kids. Adoption, sure, but actually MAKE a baby and grow it inside me for 9 months with the potential for birth defects or worse? No thanks.  I didn’t want that for anyone. Was it a selfish decision? Yes and no.

My boyfriend and I had been dating for 8 years (yes, years) before we finally married in 2010. I still wanted nothing to do with having children at that point. My life was a little hectic to say the least. I had just moved 600 miles from my family to Virginia with my Navy husband. Six months after we married, he left for an 11 month long deployment. I had to find a new job, new friends, a new support system and all without him. Luckily, I got all of those things and survived and thrived on my own in this new environment. Adding a child into it would have driven me over the edge with stress, worry and fear. Mentally, I was not ready for a baby. My diabetes was also not in a good place to grow a child. With an A1c hovering around 8.5, it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t necessarily great either. Doctors typically want type 1 diabetic women to have an A1c of 6.5 or less for a few month prior to getting pregnant to keep the risk of birth defects low, so clearly, I was physically in no form for a baby. Getting to an A1c of 6.5 is hard, trust me. Ask anyone who’s a type 1 diabetic how much work they put into getting an A1c under 7, much less under 6.5.

Fast forward to late 2014. Husband had been gone for 2 of the last 4 years on deployments (not all consecutively, thank the Lord), we (well, I) had moved 4 times, purchased our first home and gone through a LOT of personal and relationship struggles. Life was finally starting to settle down for us and I told my husband that I was mentally in a good place to start working on a baby. Physically, I was still not in a great spot, but thanks to adding a Continuous Glucose Monitor (a CGM) to my diabetes management, my A1c had dropped to around 7.5 and had been there for about 2 years. I was getting closer to 6.5, and people have been known to be given the go-ahead by their doctors to start for a baby around 7, but I wanted to be sure. In the spring of 2015, I switched to a new insulin pump and I started seeing a highly recommended, high-risk OB/GYN doctor who specializes in treating type 1 women who plan to become and who are currently pregnant. At my first meeting with her, I met with two diabetes educators who told me pretty much everything I already knew about type 1, a nutritionist and got my vitals and blood tested to see what my baseline A1c, blood pressure, heart rate and weight was. I was told to start a new diet regimen of eating more protein, less carbs, eat snacks, eat on a schedule, exercise more and write everything down in a book they gave me. Three weeks later, I returned, got my vitals taken again, spoke with the educators again, discussed my food intake, exercise level and all the typical stuff that doctors talk about to women. I was told to come back in another 3 weeks. This schedule resumed for about 2 or 3 months until my last appointment. I got my A1c taken again and no one returned to my room for a good 5 or 10 minutes. Then the doctor came in with a giant smile on her face and asked me if I had heard the good news. I shook my head no, thinking she had come into the wrong room. She told me my A1c was 6.8 and that she was giving me the blessing to start to try for a baby. I was honestly more surprised and excited that my A1c was 6.8 than hearing the news that we got the OK to start to try to make a baby.  I have NEVER had an A1c less than 7.4 in my entire 20 years of having diabetes, so this was a BIG deal to me. During my drive home, I wondered how I would tell my husband. He had been wanting to have kids since he was old enough to make them.

We started trying for a baby in August. I got really excited to pee on a piece of plastic and read the directions multiple times to make sure I got it right. We spent probably around $21 on pregnancy tests. We got one of those fancy expensive digital ones that tells you in words if you are pregnant or not and then some cheapy ones that just have the plus or minus sign. When the day I expected my period to come came and went, I got excited. I told my husband that if I was pregnant that month, we would be having a baby in May, possibly around the time our of cousin Tyler’s birthday. I don’t necessarily believe in reincarnation, but I like to think that if I had a baby close to Tyler’s birthday, a part of him would be in that child. Two days later, still nothing, so before work that morning, I peed on 2 sticks, and realized just how difficult it is to do that and get a good sample without peeing all over yourself, the toilet and the floor. I used the expensive digital stick and one of the cheapy ones. Waited 2 minutes. Both came up negative. I was more bummed than I expected, but it was just our first month trying and sometimes it takes couples up to 6 before they get a positive test. I got my period later that day anyway. It was hard to not feel down on myself since I had been working SO hard to get my A1c where it was supposed to be and I had at least two “fertile Myrtle” friends who seemed to get pregnant just by looking at their husband.

Husband and I decided on a name for a boy. We have no child growing yet, not even a figment, but his full legal name, and a nickname have already been decided upon. We had a hard time thinking of a girl's name. I have a hidden Pinterest board full of birth announcement ideas and crafty ways to keep organized and how to make my own baby food. We have hopes of being able to give our parents and families the best Christmas present ever of a cute little birth announcement wrapped in an envelope that's wrapped nesting-doll style in boxes. I want to make a funfetti gender reveal cake and shop for onsies and tiny baby socks and hats.... and try to convince my husband that we will need a pony...for the baby. 

September the same thing happened. I only used one of the cheapy pregnancy tests I had left over from August. I had been doing everything right, eating my boiled eggs or cheese sticks as mid-morning snacks, making sure I had more protein than carbs at each meal. Cutting down on the crap foods I normally stuffed my mouth with. My blood sugars were in range most of the time. I thought I was doing a good job. October rolled around and again, my period was late. I didn’t bother with a pregnancy test because I just knew. I told myself that I needed to wait a full week before trying another test, plus we would need to buy more. No need to buy more anyway because my period showed up, painful and a day or so late as usual. Same with November. I started to wonder what was wrong with me, what was wrong with my husband. Did I wait too long to start trying (I just turned 33 in December)? Did my diabetes make me infertile? Do I have PCOS or some other disease that makes me infertile? When December rolled around, I asked my husband what he wanted to Christmas and his birthday (they’re a week apart). He said the best present would be a positive pregnancy test. Wow, talk about putting on the pressure. Since we would be visiting family during the time I was to expect either my period or a pregnancy test, I had to pack everything… pads, tampons, pregnancy tests, Aleve. I also had to pack it in a way that would keep wandering eyes from seeing it all because I didn’t want anyone to know we were trying. 3 days after Christmas, my period showed up. Lovely timing.

I have had family on both sides, my own blood and my inlaws, asking when we were going to start having kids. Not only is this question incredibly personal and kind of intrusive, it’s none of anyone else’s business whether or not my husband and I plan to have children. I had been getting this question often from family since my husband and I married in 2010, and each time one of my sisters in law would ask, I told them that asking was putting off them being an aunt for another year. Same for my mother in law. My own mother told me over our recent December visit that she would like to have more grandbabies eventually (she already has 3 from my older brothers). Yes, I know the intent there is not to cause harm or bad feelings, but seriously people, this is not an ok thing to ask people. And with a woman who is a type 1, it’s not just something that can be done willy nilly. Serious thought and planning has to go into it. More than the average pregnancy planning. I’m an immediate high risk for a reason.

At the end of January, I got a message from a high school friend that she found out she will be expecting a baby girl in August. She just got married in September. Another fertile Myrtle friend who wanted to share her good news with me. I felt happy for her and congratulated her, but inside, I was angry and sad and wondering why it couldn’t happen for me. Why was I seemingly the only person in the entire world who cannot get pregnant? And to think of all the times in college and later when I legitimately freaked out about my period being a day late only to have it show up as soon as my hysterical crying fit stopped. In early February, one of my good friends from diabetes camp, who has been a type 1 for the vast majority of her life, had to share the sad news that she had to deliver her daughter, still born, at just 29 weeks. I was heartbroken and devastated for her, and terrified for myself. Did her stillbirth come about due to her diabetes, even though her A1c was around 5.5 and she did EVERYTHING right? Would this happen with me if I ever got pregnant? Still births are not something openly discussed, so I can’t even tell if it’s something that happens to just anyone, or if it is specific towards a particular demographic. My friend's baby is the only one I know of that has been stillborn. The day before this friend shared the news of her stillbirth, one of my fertile Myrtle friends shared the news that she gave birth to her baby girl. I was so happy for this other friend, but yet again, reminded that this was one less month I would be pregnant.

At the end of January, we decided on a girl's name. Just a full legal, not a nickname. Husband hopes I end up with twin girls. One is enough for me thanks. Now that we have names picked out for both a boy and a girl, we expect it would happen in February. We tried to make a baby 5 out of the 7 days I was "actively" fertile. Either the apps on my phone are both wrong or my body just doesn't want to play this game because no dice. Welcome back to my life tampons, I totally missed you the last 3 weeks.....naht. We're out of Aleve, but I'm glad I have a prescription for Ibuprofen that my oral surgeon prescribed last spring when I had a molar pulled. The cramps seem to have a doubly painful meaning to me now.

It’s really hard to keep a positive outlook when you’ve got your husband tracking your fertility and when your period is supposed to show up more than you are and the pregnancy test boxes in your bathroom vanity are starting to get dusty. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been tracking my fertility since last summer and I've been tracking my period ever since my diabetes diagnosis at 13 because my period was often signaled by super high blood sugars. I have two apps on my phone, I used to have three. I spent an entire month doing morning basal temperature tests and tracking those results. I check cervical fluid every single time I go to the bathroom. I’ve never been on hormonal birth control or an IUD. My periods have always been regular, for the most part. I decided to stop paying so much attention to these apps, thinking that the stress of keeping tabs on things was backfiring on me. I worked damn HARD with my diet and diabetes to make sure I made my body a safe place for a baby, but I fell off the “healthy” wagon some time back.. I can’t really tell when exactly. But when you work so damn hard for something and you don’t get the result you want, it’s hard to keep going. I know that once August rolls around again and if I am not pregnant by then, then we can see a fertility specialist, but I really hope it doesn’t come to that. I had to do two Resource Guides for two of my grad school classes and adoption agencies kept popping up in my Google searches for "relationship counseling". In one of my class books, there is a self-test titled "Are you Ready for Adoption?" I Saw in my Facebook news feed that another friend is due to have a baby this summer. I'm starting to feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant and I'm over here like, wtf is wrong with me? Why am I broken? Why am I not "allowed" to talk about this with anyone? I know there has to be other type 1 women out there like me. Anyone? Bueller?