Welcome Back to the Blog.

So, I’ve been thinking about writing about this for a really long time. Well, not really long, maybe for like 2 or 3 months. I’ve been afraid to write or even let my closest friends and family know because I didn’t want that stress, pressure and expectation to be hovering over my head, one more thing I would need to worry about, on top of my type 1 diabetes, grad school, my job and being a military wife. Then, a few days ago, I read this post that had been “liked” by a few friends of mine on facebook. I opened it, not really knowing what to expect, but after I finished reading it, I decided to start this blog. This is my journey and, at times, it is incredibly depressing and hard to write about. I am terrified to publish this, honestly. I have no idea how people are going to react to it, I am terrified of being judged because of it. I am scared of what will happen after I push "Publish". I am afraid that people will be mad at me, or upset or confused about why I'm sharing this part of my life. But, like the article linked above mentions.... I need to stop worrying about what other people think. The only way I can get support through this is by letting someone know and honestly, this is the easiest way I can think to do it. Hello internets, I hope you have your helmet with a chin strap on and about 20 minutes to read this cuz I'm here to talk about pregnancy.

...onward....


Let me start with the back story. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes 20 years ago, in 1995. This year, on November 28, my diabetes will officially be old enough to purchase and consume alcohol, 21 years. For most of those years, the last 18 or so actually, I full out refused to have children (in the future) for fear of passing my type 1 on to them, or God forbid, they end up being born with one of the potential myriad birth defects that type 1 moms can give to their kids. For a long time, kids weren’t even on my radar. It wasn’t until I was a sophomore in college that children would even enter my mind, and since I was in college, that was an automatic nope. I told my boyfriend at the time (my now husband) that I never wanted to have kids. Adoption, sure, but actually MAKE a baby and grow it inside me for 9 months with the potential for birth defects or worse? No thanks.  I didn’t want that for anyone. Was it a selfish decision? Yes and no.

My boyfriend and I had been dating for 8 years (yes, years) before we finally married in 2010. I still wanted nothing to do with having children at that point. My life was a little hectic to say the least. I had just moved 600 miles from my family to Virginia with my Navy husband. Six months after we married, he left for an 11 month long deployment. I had to find a new job, new friends, a new support system and all without him. Luckily, I got all of those things and survived and thrived on my own in this new environment. Adding a child into it would have driven me over the edge with stress, worry and fear. Mentally, I was not ready for a baby. My diabetes was also not in a good place to grow a child. With an A1c hovering around 8.5, it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t necessarily great either. Doctors typically want type 1 diabetic women to have an A1c of 6.5 or less for a few month prior to getting pregnant to keep the risk of birth defects low, so clearly, I was physically in no form for a baby. Getting to an A1c of 6.5 is hard, trust me. Ask anyone who’s a type 1 diabetic how much work they put into getting an A1c under 7, much less under 6.5.

Fast forward to late 2014. Husband had been gone for 2 of the last 4 years on deployments (not all consecutively, thank the Lord), we (well, I) had moved 4 times, purchased our first home and gone through a LOT of personal and relationship struggles. Life was finally starting to settle down for us and I told my husband that I was mentally in a good place to start working on a baby. Physically, I was still not in a great spot, but thanks to adding a Continuous Glucose Monitor (a CGM) to my diabetes management, my A1c had dropped to around 7.5 and had been there for about 2 years. I was getting closer to 6.5, and people have been known to be given the go-ahead by their doctors to start for a baby around 7, but I wanted to be sure. In the spring of 2015, I switched to a new insulin pump and I started seeing a highly recommended, high-risk OB/GYN doctor who specializes in treating type 1 women who plan to become and who are currently pregnant. At my first meeting with her, I met with two diabetes educators who told me pretty much everything I already knew about type 1, a nutritionist and got my vitals and blood tested to see what my baseline A1c, blood pressure, heart rate and weight was. I was told to start a new diet regimen of eating more protein, less carbs, eat snacks, eat on a schedule, exercise more and write everything down in a book they gave me. Three weeks later, I returned, got my vitals taken again, spoke with the educators again, discussed my food intake, exercise level and all the typical stuff that doctors talk about to women. I was told to come back in another 3 weeks. This schedule resumed for about 2 or 3 months until my last appointment. I got my A1c taken again and no one returned to my room for a good 5 or 10 minutes. Then the doctor came in with a giant smile on her face and asked me if I had heard the good news. I shook my head no, thinking she had come into the wrong room. She told me my A1c was 6.8 and that she was giving me the blessing to start to try for a baby. I was honestly more surprised and excited that my A1c was 6.8 than hearing the news that we got the OK to start to try to make a baby.  I have NEVER had an A1c less than 7.4 in my entire 20 years of having diabetes, so this was a BIG deal to me. During my drive home, I wondered how I would tell my husband. He had been wanting to have kids since he was old enough to make them.

We started trying for a baby in August. I got really excited to pee on a piece of plastic and read the directions multiple times to make sure I got it right. We spent probably around $21 on pregnancy tests. We got one of those fancy expensive digital ones that tells you in words if you are pregnant or not and then some cheapy ones that just have the plus or minus sign. When the day I expected my period to come came and went, I got excited. I told my husband that if I was pregnant that month, we would be having a baby in May, possibly around the time our of cousin Tyler’s birthday. I don’t necessarily believe in reincarnation, but I like to think that if I had a baby close to Tyler’s birthday, a part of him would be in that child. Two days later, still nothing, so before work that morning, I peed on 2 sticks, and realized just how difficult it is to do that and get a good sample without peeing all over yourself, the toilet and the floor. I used the expensive digital stick and one of the cheapy ones. Waited 2 minutes. Both came up negative. I was more bummed than I expected, but it was just our first month trying and sometimes it takes couples up to 6 before they get a positive test. I got my period later that day anyway. It was hard to not feel down on myself since I had been working SO hard to get my A1c where it was supposed to be and I had at least two “fertile Myrtle” friends who seemed to get pregnant just by looking at their husband.

Husband and I decided on a name for a boy. We have no child growing yet, not even a figment, but his full legal name, and a nickname have already been decided upon. We had a hard time thinking of a girl's name. I have a hidden Pinterest board full of birth announcement ideas and crafty ways to keep organized and how to make my own baby food. We have hopes of being able to give our parents and families the best Christmas present ever of a cute little birth announcement wrapped in an envelope that's wrapped nesting-doll style in boxes. I want to make a funfetti gender reveal cake and shop for onsies and tiny baby socks and hats.... and try to convince my husband that we will need a pony...for the baby. 

September the same thing happened. I only used one of the cheapy pregnancy tests I had left over from August. I had been doing everything right, eating my boiled eggs or cheese sticks as mid-morning snacks, making sure I had more protein than carbs at each meal. Cutting down on the crap foods I normally stuffed my mouth with. My blood sugars were in range most of the time. I thought I was doing a good job. October rolled around and again, my period was late. I didn’t bother with a pregnancy test because I just knew. I told myself that I needed to wait a full week before trying another test, plus we would need to buy more. No need to buy more anyway because my period showed up, painful and a day or so late as usual. Same with November. I started to wonder what was wrong with me, what was wrong with my husband. Did I wait too long to start trying (I just turned 33 in December)? Did my diabetes make me infertile? Do I have PCOS or some other disease that makes me infertile? When December rolled around, I asked my husband what he wanted to Christmas and his birthday (they’re a week apart). He said the best present would be a positive pregnancy test. Wow, talk about putting on the pressure. Since we would be visiting family during the time I was to expect either my period or a pregnancy test, I had to pack everything… pads, tampons, pregnancy tests, Aleve. I also had to pack it in a way that would keep wandering eyes from seeing it all because I didn’t want anyone to know we were trying. 3 days after Christmas, my period showed up. Lovely timing.

I have had family on both sides, my own blood and my inlaws, asking when we were going to start having kids. Not only is this question incredibly personal and kind of intrusive, it’s none of anyone else’s business whether or not my husband and I plan to have children. I had been getting this question often from family since my husband and I married in 2010, and each time one of my sisters in law would ask, I told them that asking was putting off them being an aunt for another year. Same for my mother in law. My own mother told me over our recent December visit that she would like to have more grandbabies eventually (she already has 3 from my older brothers). Yes, I know the intent there is not to cause harm or bad feelings, but seriously people, this is not an ok thing to ask people. And with a woman who is a type 1, it’s not just something that can be done willy nilly. Serious thought and planning has to go into it. More than the average pregnancy planning. I’m an immediate high risk for a reason.

At the end of January, I got a message from a high school friend that she found out she will be expecting a baby girl in August. She just got married in September. Another fertile Myrtle friend who wanted to share her good news with me. I felt happy for her and congratulated her, but inside, I was angry and sad and wondering why it couldn’t happen for me. Why was I seemingly the only person in the entire world who cannot get pregnant? And to think of all the times in college and later when I legitimately freaked out about my period being a day late only to have it show up as soon as my hysterical crying fit stopped. In early February, one of my good friends from diabetes camp, who has been a type 1 for the vast majority of her life, had to share the sad news that she had to deliver her daughter, still born, at just 29 weeks. I was heartbroken and devastated for her, and terrified for myself. Did her stillbirth come about due to her diabetes, even though her A1c was around 5.5 and she did EVERYTHING right? Would this happen with me if I ever got pregnant? Still births are not something openly discussed, so I can’t even tell if it’s something that happens to just anyone, or if it is specific towards a particular demographic. My friend's baby is the only one I know of that has been stillborn. The day before this friend shared the news of her stillbirth, one of my fertile Myrtle friends shared the news that she gave birth to her baby girl. I was so happy for this other friend, but yet again, reminded that this was one less month I would be pregnant.

At the end of January, we decided on a girl's name. Just a full legal, not a nickname. Husband hopes I end up with twin girls. One is enough for me thanks. Now that we have names picked out for both a boy and a girl, we expect it would happen in February. We tried to make a baby 5 out of the 7 days I was "actively" fertile. Either the apps on my phone are both wrong or my body just doesn't want to play this game because no dice. Welcome back to my life tampons, I totally missed you the last 3 weeks.....naht. We're out of Aleve, but I'm glad I have a prescription for Ibuprofen that my oral surgeon prescribed last spring when I had a molar pulled. The cramps seem to have a doubly painful meaning to me now.

It’s really hard to keep a positive outlook when you’ve got your husband tracking your fertility and when your period is supposed to show up more than you are and the pregnancy test boxes in your bathroom vanity are starting to get dusty. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been tracking my fertility since last summer and I've been tracking my period ever since my diabetes diagnosis at 13 because my period was often signaled by super high blood sugars. I have two apps on my phone, I used to have three. I spent an entire month doing morning basal temperature tests and tracking those results. I check cervical fluid every single time I go to the bathroom. I’ve never been on hormonal birth control or an IUD. My periods have always been regular, for the most part. I decided to stop paying so much attention to these apps, thinking that the stress of keeping tabs on things was backfiring on me. I worked damn HARD with my diet and diabetes to make sure I made my body a safe place for a baby, but I fell off the “healthy” wagon some time back.. I can’t really tell when exactly. But when you work so damn hard for something and you don’t get the result you want, it’s hard to keep going. I know that once August rolls around again and if I am not pregnant by then, then we can see a fertility specialist, but I really hope it doesn’t come to that. I had to do two Resource Guides for two of my grad school classes and adoption agencies kept popping up in my Google searches for "relationship counseling". In one of my class books, there is a self-test titled "Are you Ready for Adoption?" I Saw in my Facebook news feed that another friend is due to have a baby this summer. I'm starting to feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant and I'm over here like, wtf is wrong with me? Why am I broken? Why am I not "allowed" to talk about this with anyone? I know there has to be other type 1 women out there like me. Anyone? Bueller?